I want to go purge so badly but I purged last night…I hate myself so fucking much.
I’ve only eaten like 500 calories but I feel like complete shit. I only had like 380 yesterday, but I still made myself purge at the end of the night. I hate this so fucking much. No matter what I do, it’s not enough. The people I want to notice me and treat me like I mean something to them still fucking ignore me. I hate my life so fucking much and nothing I do is making it any better.
The smell of food makes me nauseous. The thought of eating makes me gag. But I have to eat, because I have to take all of my medicine and it makes me so sick if I don’t eat first. So I take a pill and wash it down with soup, then close my eyes and wait for the dizziness to stop. Open my eyes, throw another pill in, sip more soup, and watch as everything spins again. I go back to the doctor tomorrow, and he’s going to test my iron, calcium, protein, etc levels to make sure everything’s good and I don’t break myself again. All I want is for him to weigh me. But he won’t. My stupid scale is broken and I have no idea how much I weigh. I’ve been working out almost every day and restricting calories to 500-700 at most since the last time I weighed myself, and I’m terrified. I need a new scale but can’t buy one because I’m broke until my next paycheck after paying the most recent medical bills. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just want to stop eating…
The Good
And he kisses me like he’s afraid I’ll break. He’s strong enough to pick me up but he does it gently so that I feel fragile in his arms. He’s funny and intelligent. And he knows that I’m too fucked up for anything real right now, but that I want him nonetheless, so he comes to me. He’s perfect, right? Then why did I ignore him yesterday? And why didn’t he text me instead of letting me ignore him all day? I don’t know. I texted him about an hour ago and no response. Now, in his absence (even though my stipulations made sure he was never really, fully here) all I can think about is him. How he smells, his smile, how strong and warm he is. And if he doesn’t text me back, I’m not eating for the rest of the week. Because I can’t control the actions of this guy, but I can control what he sees when we’re back together again. Maybe if I’m smaller and prettier he’ll call or text me even when I’m being withdrawn because of this stupid obsession with not being perfect. But as soon as we start talking again, I’ll probably fall into another trap set by a few pounds gained or accidentally consuming calories during a fast and everything will be fucked up again. I’m so tired of this taking over my life…
